I haven’t regretted the last three years, and I hope that what is recorded will be a good testimony for Him. In whatever I do, in whatever I will do, I pray that I will be a witness for My Lord Almighty.

Amen.

If I don’t open up, nobody will ever reach me and my feelings will never reach you. There has been many times that I don’t understand why people try so hard, why when I am perfectly happy in my own space. Yet, I also noticed that as annoying as those times are, I have yet to regret a single moment.

So I am preparing to leave this alter world. Until then.

The Blog-Health-o-Meter™ reads Wow.

Crunchy numbers

A Boeing 747-400 passenger jet can hold 416 passengers. This blog was viewed about 2,600 times in 2010. That’s about 6 full 747s.

In 2010, there were 133 new posts, growing the total archive of this blog to 443 posts. There were 114 pictures uploaded, taking up a total of 105mb. That’s about 2 pictures per week.

The busiest day of the year was November 22nd with 25 views. The most popular post that day was 小小的秘密.

Where did they come from?

The top referring sites in 2010 were charminee.blogspot.com, potsandkisses.com, alphainventions.com, tanleatherchair.blogspot.com, and terenceee.wordpress.com.

Some visitors came searching, mostly for muchiness, chae huah, angus beef carpaccio, sea biscuiting perth, and chaehuah.

Attractions in 2010

These are the posts and pages that got the most views in 2010.

小小的秘密 November 2010
2 comments

Black Angus beef carpaccio, manchego and herbs, hazelnut dressing March 2010
1 comment

Muchiness March 2010
1 comment

7 October 2008

Biscuiting in South Perth February 2008
2 comments

I worry sometimes. Getting retained separated me from my friends. We no longer walk the same pace. These are my worries: A, B and C. It gets lonely. My teacher’s words keep echoing… that slip up will render everything a waste. I hate her and myself for those resounding words.

Still, all of it is part of His plan. I am not as noble to say I can understand why and agree whole-heartedly. Going overseas had been a little lonely at odd moments, but it was an experience I would not exchange. God showed me the difference in people but the same passion His people has for Him. He alone united the differences in us. He showed me the price to pay for being away, and to live diligently being away. He opened my eyes to those who cared… I never knew anyone cared. It made a difference.

God led me to DfC, and there my very first pieces were published. He cares about my dreams. Mr Almighty God cares, and He took time to help me realise it. My right hand I dedicate.

Time took a lot away. So did space. So thank God for retaining what is important. Truly, after all this, how can you say God is not real? Please remind me everyday Jesus, the human flesh is weak.

Thank you to all who supported my walk in the last three years, especially this year. It is an end to the student era. 2010 had been awesome!

Look forward 2011. For a closer walk with God, and the courage to open myself up more in fellowship.

I have played Mary in a Christmas play. Back then, Jesus was a baby doll with golden curly hair, whose eyes open when you shake it hard enough. He was wrapped in cloths, lying in my arms as I await the Magi scene.

Its been almost 20 years since then. Jesus is no long a baby doll whose eyes open when I shake it hard enough, and neither is he lying in my arms. I am always afraid to seriously answer questions like, so who is Jesus to you and who exactly is Jesus? After all, who Jesus is, everyone has tried to define whether it be in books or action over centuries. At this moment, I seem to be transported back to that scene where Jesus asked Peter, who did Peter think he is. It didn’t matter if others thought he was a ghost, an alien or prophet.

“But what about you?” he asked. “Who do you say I am?” Luke 9.20
And like that, suddenly there was only the two of us. I realise I didn’t have an answer, because I haven’t thought of it. I know who and what everyone say he is. I was always at the side listening and nodding. The correct answer, I have a few ready in my head.

“But what about you?”…“Who do you say I am?”
Me? He wanted to know what I thought, who he is to me. It is something I couldn’t answer unless I had a personal relationship with Him. Until then he will remain a character in a book; a distant star I see and hear about.

Who is Jesus? To me, He is an extraordinary gentle God with infinite patience and overwhelming generosity. He alone loves me with a ferocity that wavers not, no matter what. He demands holiness and withholds not His rod. He is the one who promises never to leave me and will return to raise me up to eternal glory.
Luke 9.20 … Peter answered, “The Christ of God.”

Of everything that was planned, that wasn’t suppose to happen yet I have allowed it to. Please give me the courage to live a more purpose-driven life.

Unexpectedly there is no elation, but a sudden sinking-to-my-knees exhaustion. Well, my notification of graduation will be winging its way to me tomorrow. Looking forward to that.

When Chae Huah and Jean told me that they are really happy to have me back in Singapore, I realised that I have been extremely selfish in going on and on about the stress about coming back and getting a job. I didn’t even for a moment, take the time to smile and say thank you, I am really happy that you are here to welcome me back. Yeah..now I just sound positively horrid. I have allowed the stress of transition to overpower my senses and saw only my struggles.

So, what I want to say is, I am really thankful that God has brought me back home to all of you.

The questions in my head are like those pinch-tiny hundreds and thousands, each just as colourful. I am sure when I step back, they will decorate a sugary treat; but for now drowning in them, sweetness is the farthest from my mind.

I did not notice the massive crowds everywhere. I zone out in MRT trains, and I never bothered to smile at a stranger. I used to brighten up when I see a break of blue in the cloud scoured skies. My steps were hurried, decisive and calculated as I skillfully weaved through people to reach my destination. Was Singapore always so bright? Were Singaporeans always standing in the middle of the MRT doors, unmindful of the commuters alighting and refusing to give way to the elderly? Have I grown an extra pair of eyes to see and resent what I was living with? Did finding a job become the purpose of my life?

I want to sweep all these under the rug and pretend all is fine; store them in a little black box till I cannot. Still, each day as I come before You; You remind me everyday, You are Lord! The awesome BIG God…and if I care to hear it, You’re probably saying: “Grace, I got this”.

I am sure You do. And I am sorry for swaying like a cobra to the sound of music. Swaying even after all You brought me through, and all that You have given me. Help me dear God, to trust in Your perfect will in Your timing. Till then, Your grace will be sufficient.

p.s. I wish I had an answer to my title, but I do not.